


how to befriend your favourite internet star: behind the scenes

by itsmyusualphannie (itsmyusualweeb)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Dan Howell, 2009 Era (Phandom), 2009 Phil Lester, Behind the Scenes, Crack, Dark Comedy, Dark Crack, Evil Phil Lester, Humor, Knives, M/M, Sad Dan Howell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:01:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23975680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsmyusualweeb/pseuds/itsmyusualphannie
Summary: What if Phil wasn't the one who was held captive during the video "How To Befriend Your Favourite Internet Stars'?What if Dan was the one trapped?
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 10
Kudos: 19





	how to befriend your favourite internet star: behind the scenes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [counting2fifteen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/counting2fifteen/gifts).



> happy ~~months late~~ birthday to [lou](https://counting2fifteen.tumblr.com/)! ily my child.
> 
> they prompted "how to befriend your favourite internet star: behind the scenes" and although this is probably Definitely Not What They Wanted, it's what they get. i want to be sorry but i'm not.
> 
> check out [the original video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81afJd-Yv5I) for context. or don't. be as chaotic as i was writing this!
> 
> betaed by [kei](https://irlsero.tumblr.com/)!

Dan sobbed sadly. Tears of sadness blobbed in the corners of his eyes. “But Phil,” he said sadly.

“‘But’ nothing!” Phil stood haughtily over him. “You will do as I say. And you will do it happily.” He hoisted the stuffed animal he was holding and waved it threateningly at Dan. “Do you see this?”

“My favourite stuffed bear,” Dan sobbed.

Phil pulled a knife from his sock. “Yes,” he said evilly. “And your stuffed bear is going to get the stuffing ripped out of it if you do not do as I say.”

“Oh no,” Dan said sadly. “Not my favourite stuffed bear. I love him. I named him Dan, after my second favourite YouTuber.”

Phil paused. “Who is your favourite Youtuber, then?”

Dan stared up at him adoringly. “You are.”

“Gross,” said Phil. He lifted the knife threateningly. “All right, get ready!”

Dan got ready while Phil set up the camera. In a few minutes, they were ready to go. Phil stood behind the camera, threateningly holding the knife next to Dan - the bear - as Dan sat in front of the camera.

Phil pressed play on the camera.

Dan sniffled and stared into the camera. “Hey, everyone,” he said sadly, “this is Dan.”

Phil paused the camera. “No!” he roared angrily. “That is not convincing! You said you were an actor.”

“I _was_ an actor!” Dan insisted.

“Then try again!”

Dan wiped his nose and took a deep breath. “Fine. I can do it.” He stared into the camera and nodded determinedly. One of his curls went flying off into the corner of the room, but he didn’t chase after it. He didn’t like his curls, anyway.

“Wait,” said Phil suddenly. He grabbed a hat from the shelf and threw it at Dan. It bounced off his face. Dan sobbed. The fur from the hat had gotten onto him. Now he was a furry.

“Wear that!” Phil ordered, so Dan put it on. Phil pressed play on the camera. “Okay, now go.”

Dan steeled himself and looked at the lens of the camera. “Okay.” He waved at the camera. “Hey, guys! So, this video is actually gonna be a kind of tutorial.”

Phil narrowed his eyes menacingly at Dan behind the camera, so Dan kept up his cheerful facade as he went through the script that Phil had prepared for him earlier.

“So what I thought I’d do,” Dan said very actorly, “is put a little step-by-step guide together as to how anybody can be friends with their favourite internet stars.”

Phil paused the camera again. He poked the knife into Dan - the bear. Dan - the human - squeaked in terror. “Try harder!” Phil bellowed. “Your eyes look fake.”

“I’m so sorry,” Dan wept. “I will replace my eyes.” He found another pair of eyes in his pocket and quickly replaced them.

“Good,” said Phil happily. He pressed play again.

Dan looked confidently at the camera with his new lens. “Step one,” he said confidently, “is getting them to recognize your name.” He confidently nodded his head but then he stopped and looked at Phil with terror in his new eyes.

“You forgot the next line, didn’t you?” Phil said dangerously.

Dan nodded sadly.

Phil pulled the script out of his long shaggy hair and threw it at Dan. “READ IT,” he yelled.

Dan quickly read it and then nodded. “I can do it,” he said tearfully. “I will do it.”

“You’d better,” Phil said ominously, poking Dan - the bear - with the knife again. Dan - the human - sobbed sadly. Phil reached for the camera. “Now, act!”

Dan wiped at his eyes and then looked solemnly at the camera. “The first thing that you need to do is really just to get them to know that you exist.”

Phil cackled and rubbed his hands together behind the camera. It was very hard since he was still holding Dan - the bear - and the knife. He might have accidentally chopped off one of Dan’s - the bear’s - ears.

Soon it was time for the most important scene of all. Phil wrapped his wrists in fake bindings and sat on the bed pulling his knees to his chest. He narrowed his eyes at Dan, who was holding the camera and trembling.

“You can do this,” said Phil, not reassuringly.

“I can do this,” Dan repeated, not reassured.

 _“Do it_ ,” said Phil. He put the gag in his mouth.

Dan could still see Dan - the bear - on the other side of Phil. Dan was so afraid for Dan. He readied the camera, pointing it toward himself with Phil in the background, and pressed play.

“Isn’t that right, Phil?”

Phil made fake terrified noises. Dan was terrified. But he played his part, moving closer to Phil and saying “Yesss,” creepily.

Phil took the restraints off abruptly and Dan screamed, throwing himself to the floor.

“Shut your scream,” Phil said haughtily. He took the knife from beneath his leg where it had been hidden and held it out. “Alright, it’s time for _that scene_. You’d better remember what I can do to Dan - the bear.”

Dan nodded hastily. He remembered. He took the knife and hoisted the camera again, pointing it toward Phil as he trailed the knife down Phil’s face.

“Your skin’s gonna taste good,” he said darkly, then hurriedly turned the camera toward him. “So yeah guys, good luck and I’ll speak to you later!” With that, he winked and then paused the camera.

Phil took off the restraints again and Dan screamed again, throwing himself to the floor again.

“Ugh,” said Phil. “Stop screaming already.” He took the camera and went happily to his computer. “It is time to edit!”

Dan - the human - dove for Dan - the bear - on the bed. He cuddled it tearfully. “I will never let you go again,” he whispered.

“Soon,” said Phil, cackling evilly where he was hunched over his computer as he edited the videos. “ _Soon_ , all of my followers will be following this exact tutorial and I will trap all of them!”

“I’m so sorry,” Dan said to Dan. Dan hugged Dan. Dan was such a good bear.

Phil finished editing the video in twelve seconds because he was the editing god of YouTube and he posted it on Dan’s account. Once he was done, he raised his arms to the ceiling and laughed darkly.

“I WILL RULE YOUTUBE. I AM THE DARK LORD.”

Dan sobbed. “I want to go home.”

**Author's Note:**

> [reblog on tumblr](https://itsmyusualphannie.tumblr.com/post/617137365281079296/how-to-befriend-your-favourite-internet-star) to curse your followers with what you've just read.
> 
> ok but tell me: what was the worst ~~or best~~ line in the entire fic. what did it for you


End file.
